Years ago, I was given the best advice ever. Since then, it has painted my world with brilliant colors and left me at times in awe of its splendor! I will ever be grateful for the wisdom of my friend.
It was a little more than 13 years ago when my eldest was just 22 months old. I had just delivered my second daughter who was four weeks old and so off to the doctor’s we went. The girls pediatrician and I had become good friends and I loved going in and talking with her. I will never forget the extra long visits we would have… they changed my life. You see, she was more than a doctor and a friend to me – she was also a godly influence and mother of four. Her wisdom was profound and her insight a blessing. She will always be treasured. So on this particular day I was weary. She must have seen it in my eyes for I did not say a thing. She pulled my weariness out of me as we talked for sometime that morning. But the one moment that changed my world was when she said to me, “It is their home, too. Let them be kids. Let them live in it.”
What I was doing was running myself ragged trying to take care of two little ones while still keeping everything perfect. And this was many times at the expense of my little ones emotional nourishment. That day she helped me realize that our home no longer belonged just to me. It was theirs too. The children did not see a mess when their toys were lying all over the place. They saw their playland. When I came through picking everything up – I was destroying their world. What a different perspective! That day, she showed me how to see things through their eyes. She taught me to care about what was important to them. She also planted seeds of what would one day be most important to me – communication and relationships!
For the first time, we went home and I let my daughter have her playland. When she asked, we sat down and read a book. Later that evening we watched a movie. In that moment, between my daughters and I, a relationship began to grow! We spent time together and I discovered just how wonderful the world could be again through the eyes of my children. I began to see their world as brand new and wanted to help them discover it. The things which had grown so “old news” to me was exciting and exotic to them! Every moment, everyday, was a new experience for them and I was their guide through it! What a privilege! Quickly, this idea took hold in my heart and what a difference it made. And yes, (for all of you “neaties” out there) the house did get cleaned, but not at the frustration of my little ones anymore. There is a balance – you will figure it out!
So although this seems to be a simple idea, it is one very easily forgotten or misplaced. We want everything to be perfect. We want the toys to be put up. The clothes folded. The beds made and so on. You all know the drill. We frustrate everyone around us with fussing or hurrying them to clean up messes or put their things away. I was the master at frustrating myself and my almost two-year old to no end. She wanted to play and I wanted to clean. She wanted my attention and I gave it to things lying around. She wanted me to read and I only fussed. But that day, what my wonderful friend handed me and my daughters was a brand new life!
Today, the result of putting that advice into action is a relationship with both of my girls! Spending time with them instilled in them that I love them. Listening to them embedded that I care about their concerns. Communicating with them taught them that their words are valued. Understanding their world through their eyes has helped them trust that I will consider their ideas. Showing respect to the things which are important to them has caused them to respect the things which are important to me. Giving my time to invest in them has caused them to help me with things that take my time.
Are they still teens? Oh yes. Is it all bliss? Not always. But what it is – is a foundation to build on. Now, at an age when every parent wishes they knew what was going on in their teens head, I sometimes wish I did not! jk! But I will tell you, the things that they share with me or even feel safe in asking me, sometimes take my breath away. It makes me realize that our teens face many different struggles than we did 20 or 30 years ago. It’s a different world and they need help navigating it. So the communication we do have is treasured. Without it, I don’t know how we would navigate it.
So my encouragement is this: Take time to listen. Take time to see their world. It is not always cut and dry. And, “Because I said So”, does not hold water for a teen who is trying to understand or navigate his/her world. Grant it, sometimes that seems to be the only thing we can come up with – I know. The “whys” come so fast and all to often in such ugly ways that we do not want to teach in that moment. But remember this, God gave you that little gift. He also gave you what it would take to teach that little gift. Treasure it. Your investment will pay-off!
Lord, Help me navigate this journey one day at a time.
CJ Wade
Living on His Love 